Lucifer sucks.

I came to an interesting realization that I never thought of before. I just never thought Lucifer would listen to prayers and manipulate them. Well it is happening to me. Something I've been praying about, I thought I had an answer from God. But the answer drives me toward sin so I know it's Lucifer. He is such a D-bag. I wish he would leave me alone and let me get on with my life.

--ME

I'm utterly lost....I'm lost. Holy Spirit fill me with the grace of Jesus Christ.

If Good Things Come to Those Who Wait, Why Does the Early Bird Get the Worm?

I think the title is relevant to the way I feel currently. I am struggling with patience. I have quite a bit of patience with people I think, but not with my self or my life. Wow, this is already sounding very self centered. Last weeks sermon was about how our life on this planet is only for a limited amount of time compared to eternity. I agree. The problem which makes me confused is having a sermon that preached to basically get off your butt and live for God, but yet in another they will say to have patience. It is hard to have patience when they bring upon a sense of urgency. Do you agree? I think time is relative and a mystery in which we have to deal. In the sermon, a quote from someone I forget was that days seem to last a long time but years go by in the blink of an eye. This wasn't the exact quote but more or less the exact meaning. Maybe we should have patience in the long days, but looking at the life as a whole we need to get moving. A double insight on thought versus time versus action. If that didn't make sense to you, it didn't to me either.

I am currently reading "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. I've made references to another one of his books "Searching for God Knows What." These books have brought huge insight into the way I feel and look at God. In a good way. In my endless boredom from knowing zero people in Tulsa, I decided to go hang out at Starbucks by myself and read "Blue Like Jazz." Miller talks about things that hit me right on the nose. He went through a lot of the same things I am currently going through. It makes me feel better to know I am not alone in that sense, but it raises some interesting faults of mine I've never pin pointed until now. Some surprising in fact it explains more than just my faith. Let me put down a particular passage that caught me by surprise.

I'll give you background first. Basically after last weekend and early week of feeling like I was really one with the Holy Spirit and making strides with Jesus, it all kind of died. I went back to being close to the old me and started struggling with things again. Miller hits on this fact perfectly.

"I don't think, however, there are many people who can stay happy for long periods of time. Joy is a temporal thing. Its brief capacity, as reference, gives it its pleasure. And so some of the magic I was feeling began to fade. It is like a man who gets a new saw for Christmas, on the first morning feeling its weight and wondering at its power, hardly thinking of it as a tool from which he will produce years of labor. Early on, I made the mistake of wanting spiritual feelings to endure and remain romantic. Like a new couple expecting to always feel in love, I operated my faith thinking God and I were going to walk around smelling flowers. When this didn't happen, I became confused. What was more frustrating than the loss of exhilaration was the return of my struggles with sin. I had become a Christian, so why did I still struggle with lust, greed, and envy? Why did I want to get drunk at parties or cheat on tests?" (Miller pg 60)


All of what he hits on in that paragraph was my thoughts and feelings this week. A part of me you all may not know is that when I find something interesting in this drab empty life that I feel like I have, I latch on and suck all of the joy out of it until I am no longer interested. I do this with video games (I'll play them until I'm bored and sick of it), music (I'll listen to a great song 100 times in a row), and in some respects I do it with women. Anything new that I enjoy I pretty much ride it until the joy is no longer there. I did the same with God and I expect the joy to last forever and it doesn't. I agree with his love feeling and I have been met with resistance from people I've dated. I've gotten in many arguments that after that puppy love feeling has gone away in the relationship, thus I must not like the person or something. The girl seems to think it will last forever, but it just doesn't. I think you can still have moments of joy and that initial love but it blossoms into a mature relationship where other things than just that feeling of joy are equally or more important. Kids, living for Jesus etc take over as the importance to that initial feeling. Maybe I am way off base, but I think this is true for my life.

I expected the joy with Jesus to last forever like I was last weekend, where I wasn't struggling with sin and I was able to enjoy God. I've rarely experience this and I think it will come back again. And again I will enjoy it to its fullest.

Miller also hits on pride and I will talk about that in a later post.

Take Care.

You Reign

Listen to "You Reign" by Mercy Me. Fantastic stuff.

I continue my steps to know Jesus. I'm so far out of anything I would normally do I feel like I am in a new life with some old left in it. I think if you put me today with me of 3 months ago, you could tell a huge difference in a number of ways.

For one, I'm down roughly 24 pounds which is huge. One of the main things I wanted to do for God and myself was to get fit and take care of this body He has given me. Although I've been having health problems, it is a blessing to catch it early and have a chance to redeem not only my body but my soul as well. I look forward to my next blood test even though my food consumption hasn't been exactly perfect, I hope to see a difference in my numbers. We'll see what God has in store for me. I don't expect a huge change or complete turnaround, but a move in the right direction would help. I still need some help in portion control and what I eat when I eat out with co-workers, but it is dramatically better than it used to be.

I'm trying to get down another 10 pounds or so. My body is beginning to resist. I can see it on the scale. I'm not longer making huge progress and I fail to see the little progression. So, I figure I am at a plateau which means I need to clean up my diet or do something else. I didn't focus so much on super cleaning up my diet even though I feel it is pretty good, I went with a step up in exercise and variation. I decided to lift weights before running today. This was a mistake. It hurt my run a lot. I was too ambitious in my assumption that I could work out and still run the same distances after my body is broken down. So idiot thinking on my part. I am going to sign up for a 5k with my coworkers for August 15, so I want to be ready for that. I don't want to win or do anything special, just finish. For a guy who barely exercised in college, I still feel that being able to run 3.1 miles is a big deal. I started a few months ago and could barely go a quarter of a mile before I had to stop. It's a blessing for sure I've come this far. As the weight comes off, I will only continue to get better.

Ever battle with sin? I know that is a question I know the answer to. I'm struggling with a few. Right now, I am winning the war I think. I'm on the path to conquer or so I believe. I catch myself on some of them and I'm more like HAHA stop it Blake or man I can't believe I almost said something. I am working to keep God on my mind all day and His concept of love and hopefully I can have full control over these sins. There will always be sin, but I have to show it I'm stronger with the Holy Spirit dominating my heart.

Speaking of the Holy Spirit. Ever feel Him surrounding you? He was all around me this weekend. I am fairly conscious of when He is because I can feel it in the depths of my soul. I think to anyone but a Christian this may sound completely insane, like I am fit for a mental institute, but I feel it like someone is hugging my heart. I felt this in college once and I ended up bawling. Again this will sound extreme to any non-Christians. If you are reading this and aren't a follower of Jesus, I'm fine with you thinking I am completely nuts. I won't be ashamed for the God that reigns. I can't describe the joy. It's almost so bad that I get distracted at work, because I just want to drop it all and go work for God. I don't know if I am being called, but I think it's a little drastic to quit a job, because I can work God in at work. I may be called to quit completely, but I won't unless I had some avenue to go down for Him. There's just a fine line here between following and being stupid. :-)

Wow, so I didn't really hit on everything, but my time flies after work with God and working out. I did make it on xbox for a bit, which was a nice breather.

I'll leave you with this comment "show love, show love, show love, love everyone and let Jesus have all the glory because it isn't ours to have anyway."

Love you guys.

--Me

Where the Earth Ends, but the River of Life Still Flows.

I did not plan on updating today. Fact of the matter is, I'm not really sure why I am writing but I am.

Want a book that will blow your hair back? Try reading Donald Miller's Book "Searching for God Knows What." Yeah, I know I'm supposed to underline the title of a book, but this isn't composition class. I didn't read this for awhile in my attempt to fight against a recommendation for me to learn about God. I've usually met that with resentment or something. I can't say for sure the pride or ego or whatever it was/is is Lucifer or what? But, I've been reading it and didn't get a lot out of it at first. The prequel to the book is "Blue Like Jazz" which I picked up today along with another book I am really excited about and will explain it more in a later post. I anxiously await to share it with people. It grabbed me last night talking at bible study.

Speaking of bible study. I'm not sure how much to talk about on here, because I'm not sure who reads it and who doesn't. Let's say I have this atheist friend (one in particular, I have a many). Even though I am new to the study group, I felt compelled to ask on how to more or less talk to this person about what I feel and other Christians of the church feel they need to hear and hope they understand. I think that too often atheists get the radical Christians that attack them. They disrespect and play the you are going to hell card. But as Donald Miller writes and I agree, this isn't what Christ wants us to teach. Granted if one does not accept Christ this is the end result. But what does Christ teach frequently? Love. Let me make this remark that I am by no means innocent or perfect here. I think atheists get this treatment that Christians are some how better than they are. I've heard this and have been around this and have probably acted that way. The book opened my eyes more to pay more attention to the way I treat non Christians.

Donald talks a lot about morality as well and how it is not a system that we must follow nor is it a system that we can do whatever we want and are saved by grace. Basically having a relationship with Christ causes us to want to ultimately please God. I agree with this. I see this in myself is the reason I do agree. For instance, say I am obsessed with food and I know it kills Christ when I overeat and hurt my body. Having a loving, intimate, relationship with Christ would deter me more because I know it pains him to overeat etc. I don't think I am explaining this well. It is hard to grasp and I should read it again. By reading this book as it relates to the Bible I see the large morality point of love. Morality also deals with loving one another no matter what status. I likely am not explaining this correctly. Good stuff nonetheless.

I've got a lot of work to do in myself, but I have to realize I'll never be perfect nor even with my transformed intimacy with Christ, I'm still on an equal playing field with others in his eyes. He did hang out with prostitutes and beggars and everyone else after all. Donald talks about how we put ourselves on this ladder of social/whatever status, but with Jesus all are important.

Did I cram you with enough stuff yet?

I am looking forward to the weekend. Not sure what I am going to do. I'm kind of up here by myself. I think I may go see Hancock or something. I'll go early in the day so I don't have to feel so out casted. I heard of a 5 mile trail I may go run. That still leaves me with a lot of time. Time is all I seem to have.

Okay I'm spent.

Take care.

--ME

Inspire the Uninspired

This may or may not be an interesting note. Ever feel like you are at a fork in the road and have been beaten to all kinds of hades but don't know which road to take because you've never seen a fork? Eh I know my posts are usually kind of dark or depressing and I don't mean it to be this way, but more of an interesting thing to think about.

This is the crossroads I am at. Where to go. I know the road to go. But the road in which I want to go causes me to have to change.........good change......needed change......letting God have it all. It's hard to do, but it's already begun. Old ties are cut, new ones are forming. I still have control, but I don't. You know what I'm talking about. You may already be there.

Work is getting hard. I have to and must be more devoted. It's hard, but really, what else do I have to do. I must be better in my faith. I must be better to my friends and family. I must be less selfish. I must be better. End of Story.

I've never been much of a materialistic person, especially as I get older I seem to become less and less that way. I mean I can see why people want all these things. We tend to get things to get praise from other people. I'm not talking about everything, but you understand what I am talking about....I hope. I mean really....I would feel really cool with a Ferrari, huge house, tons of tvs, women, you name it. I would feel really cool having all those friends, but they would only like me because I have those things. Without those things I would be nothing to them, right? I think having some material things are good, but I'm glad I don't get praise for things I have. But then again, I guess I'm spoiled in that I have everything I need. Which I know I take for granted by the way. Ex: Car, tv, xbox, Bible, food, clothes. I have all these things. This is confusing, I'm moving on. End note: I see the point why materialism is stupid, but also why people would want all of these things. Okay....onward.

I want to move into Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory with tons of oompa loompas (sp?). The orange guys, not the creepy person from the remake. Okay....on we go. Don't eat the gum Violet.

Wow, I don't think I could possibly be any more random....tonight that is. Take a look at the picture, this is me climbing....yay for class 3+ climb. Yay for Colorado.

--ME

Work Work Work Work Work........

I'm on my lunch break and I figured I would update so I didn't spend 30-45 minutes tonight doing it. It feels like my time after work just blazes by so I'll try this method of updating to gain some time when I get home.

I've been super tired this week. I don't know if it has been the rollover from last week's adventure or what. I've eaten some unhealthy meals the last couple of days and I wonder if that is causing me to be fatigued. I also haven't run due to the rain.

I am really getting bored with this running thing. I probably should lift weights too. I was thinking about purchasing a road bike which are expensive or a tennis ball machine which are expensive. For a relatively good road bike or tennis ball machine, it would be about the same price so I'm torn. A road bike would help me to get better cardio in, but a tennis ball machine would let me get my game back sicne I have no one to play with. I could join a tennis gym and use their machine....but I would spend that much on a tennis ball machine for a year. Knowing me I'll probably get neither and just gripe. :-)

Trying to find balance in life is a really hard thing to do. During the course of the night I want to study the Bible, study chemical engineering, exercise, eat well, watch tv and play xbox. All of this cannot be accomplished in one evening unless I do each for like 15 minutes. If I could limit it down it should include, Bible, Chem E, exercise and eat well. Tv I can take out and I have. Seen me on xbox recently? No? I really miss that because it was time kinda "hanging" out with friends.

That is another thing I cannot make up here is friends. Everyone at my work is older or is married and wouldn't want to hang out. So I try to join a Bible study to accomplish gaining friends while furthering my faith. But I couldn't see myself hanging out with any of them. I could join a gym, but again I don't know where college aged kids hang out or what they do for that matter. I will not go to a bar and just sit there or make random talk with people. Maybe that is ego talking, but I think that doing that at a bar is creepy. I know some of my other friends that have moved off to places that have had trouble making friends too. It's just like making a relationship at a bar out of thin air. Just really tough. I'm trying to get involved with stuff. Hopefully it'll go well. I'm not patient so that won't help me either.

Speaking of studying. I finding it impossible to really want to do anything when I go home. School just absolutely ruined any drive or motivation when I leave work. I had a mini presentation today and needed to study for some stuff. I think I only looked at it for like 15 minutes today and was pretty unprepared at work. I did okay. Granted it was just in front of the interns who couldn't have cared less. I can't get motivated to do much but exercise.

MMMMmmmm I just ate an ice cream sandwich. My second of the day. Bad BLAKE BAD! Self descipline. They gave out free ice cream from the Schwans truck this week for some kind of good work? I'm not sure what we did, but whatever. People were grabbing whole boxes and putting them in the freezer. I wanted to grab some of the steaks that were nearby LOL. But we were only allowed the ice cream. So there is a bunch of ice cream stuff left in the freezer. Probably until tomorrow or tonight and it'll be gone.

I was supposed to play tennis with Huy Nguyen today, but it just rained and I doubt the courts will be dry. I need to run though at the very least.

I'm running out of things to say and lunch is almost over.

--ME